There was really nothing out of the ordinary about today…
I woke up early, despite staying up way too late, and then not wanting to get out of bed in the morning (story of my life).
I helped get the kids ready for school and yelled last-minute instructions and goodbyes to them as my husband shuttled them off to school.
Next it was time for me to get ready, but first I had to do a load of laundry because I remembered (last-minute) that my daughter had a makeup soccer game this evening, so she would need her uniform.
By the time I raced into the parking lot at work (almost 30 minutes late), spilled my coffee as I tripped through the door thanks to my almost 4″ inch heels (my feet have gotten way too used to my Tieks), I felt like I had lived through an entire day already, despite not accomplishing a whole lot on my to-do list.
I text with my husband throughout the day about house related things, who will be getting the kids to and from their various after school activities and whether or not I was going to my yoga class tonight (super sexy stuff right?). He gave his usual helpful responses of, “we’ll figure it out” and “it should be just fine”.
I was rushing home, after having to work later than I was supposed to, to try to get to my daughter’s soccer game, and when I realized that I just wasn’t going to be able to get there in time I called my husband to let him know. I asked him if he thought our daughter would be really upset if I didn’t make it to her game, and he responded with, “it should be just fine”.
Now I know that answer might not sound like anything to get upset over, but I have to admit that after I hung up with my husband I pulled into our driveway and sat in the car for a second with tears in my eyes, because let me tell you how I felt when he said it should be just fine. I felt like yes it probably should, but it wasn’t.
Instead what I felt at that moment was the extreme weight of Mom guilt rush over me as I had missed my daughter’s soccer game last weekend and now this one too. Not to mention that fact that I snapped at my son when he called me as I was driving home, courtesy of the blinding migraine I had due to a long day at work.
Now I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but lately I have been feeling anxious and unsettled. I feel like everything should be just fine, but it’s not, because one of the things that I hate the most about parenting is feeling even a tiny bit like I disappointed my kids or that they looked toward the sideline and their biggest cheerleader, me, wasn’t there to cheer them on.
To rub salt in my wounds for today, my son text me from the game to tell me that not only did my daughter score one goal, but she scored two.
My Mom guilt quickly crept back up on me and then I smiled when I received a text from my son with a video and some photos of my daughter smiling at her game to make me feel like I was right there cheering her on.
I guess what my friend Audrey says is true, it’s all about blending, not balancing, especially when it comes to being a Mom.