When I was pregnant with my son and found out he was a boy (along with the fact that he was healthy), I breathed a huge sigh of relief inside of that ultrasound technician’s office.
I never really explained to anyone why I couldn’t envision myself having a little girl. I even dreamed about having another boy, but almost 9 years ago I gave birth to my one and only daughter Tatum.
It’s time for me to finally admit something I have never been strong enough to say out loud.
I did not wish for a daughter because I never thought I would be good enough for her. Let me explain why.
I grew up with a Mom who had me at a very young age. She was practically still a child herself and I think that she had (and think she still does have) a lot of unresolved baggage from her childhood.
My Mom and I were never very close and I was always so envious of the many positive mother/daughter relationships that I saw all around me.
I often got the feeling she resented me at times. Resented the fact that her childhood and entrance into adulthood was cut short by having me. Resented that she and my Dad had to struggle so much to take care of a family starting in their teenage years.
We never built the trusting, loving, friendly relationship that I desperately craved, especially as I got older, and therefore I always had in the back of my head that I could never have a daughter because I wouldn’t have any clue how to be a good mother to her.
I was blinded by my relationship with my own Mother and thought that I would never be able to change that if I had my own daughter. I was scared.
Scared I wouldn’t be able to break the cycle, as my mother also had a fractured relationship with her own mom.
Today I want to acknowledge and celebrate not only my daughter Tatum’s upcoming 9th birthday (my how time flies), but also that I did it. I broke the cycle.
Happy Birthday To The Daughter I Thought I Would Never Be Good Enough For
Happy almost 9th birthday sweetie.
It feels like only yesterday that the doctor put you in my arms and you immediately snuggled into me as if we had known each other our entire lives.
There isn’t a second of your life that I am not wondering in my head if I am doing the right thing.
Am I am being motherly enough so you will always want to be my best girlfriend, yet parental enough that you know I am here to guide you in every way possible throughout your life?
I hope you know I am always up for cuddles, kisses, snuggles, laughs and cries with you. Please know that the more affection from you the better, even if it may look like I am miserable or having a bad day.
Please know I will always support, encourage and be your biggest cheerleader in life.
Know that you can come to me with anything, no matter how embarrassing or uncomfortable you may think the conversation will be.
You once told me that if I was a kid your age you would want to be my best friend. Please know that I hold those sweet words close to my heart and you and your brother are my very best friends.
Tatum, I hope you think I am good enough for you because today as I reflected on your almost last 9 years, I finally felt that way.
I realized I have been able to push past the hurt feelings and lack of relationship with my own mother to ensure that I am and will continue to be everything you need and more in a mom.
Wishing a very happy almost 9th birthday to the daughter I thought I would never be good enough for.
We make a fabulous team!